So, I don’t just say funny things myself I also like funny things other people say. Generally it’s pretty even with male comics and female comics. Today however I’m only going to talk about the girlies. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do this yet. Do a top five. Or just pick a random number. Or pick my very favourites.
First of all I’ll talk a bit about what I like in a comedian and what I like in a lady. No. Not my penis. That’s not the route I’m going with this. Although…
Right. I generally like intelligent nervous girls. I like to learn things and not be scared while I laugh. Of course this doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I’m fucking terrified. ALL THE TIME. Honestly. If you have a vagina you’re essentially a fucking T-rex as far as i’m concerned. If I ever run at you with a net and a spear I’m just trying to seduce you. I promise. I don’t want to kill you at all. Unless you’re Sarah Palin. But she is actually a T-rex in disguise. I know. I’ve seen the nudes. All tail and scales. It’s horrifying. Is that what you want running your country America? We’ll have to get Richard Attenborough, Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neil to take the bitch down before she eats all the children. ALL THE CHILDREN.
Sorry about that. Quick political tangent. That won’t happen often. Yes it will. No it won’t. Well. It will. Just not so political.
ANYWAY. “Girls scare you. We get it, Oli. Get the fuck on with it. Who are these girls you like so much!? We are just dying to find out!” I hear you all simultaneously scream at me. I’m getting to that. Bear with me. You know what I’m like.
So, back to the point. A list of my favourite female comedians:
I do like a load more than that but I can’t seem to think of them yet. Oh well. I’ll pick five to talk about in more detail. My top five favourite comedians are Janeane Garofalo, Helen Keen, Shappi Korsandi, Sarah Silverman and Sarah Bennetto. Two Sarahs.
I discovered Janeane only a few years ago and fell in love. Then shortly afterwards realised I’d been falling in love repeatedly and just not knowing who she was for years. FOR YEARS. I don’t normally like American comedy. It’s often over-explained and unintelligent. NOT HER! She is a delightful lady. I think I’d kill at least 64 babies to see her live. Even cute babies. I’d have no issue killing cute babies as long as I got to see her live. Please stop talking about killing babies, Oliver. It’s fucking weird. Infanticide aside she just wells a great -I don’t know- of longing I think. Longing for the 90s. Grunge. “Counter-culture”. Alt-rock. Riot Grrl. A time before everyone wanted to be a nerd. I mean I love that it’s now acceptable to be a nerd. I do. But I loved when there were nerds running around pretending to be cool. When movies like Empire Records, Clerks, Rushmore, Groundhog Day, Dazed and Confused, Office Space, Clueless etc reigned supreme. People were pissed about Kurt. Nobody’s clothes fit. I was a kid so I missed out on most of it but I’m retrospectively living it now. I think what I really like about Garofalo is she fucking cares. Oh and I’m leaving this to the end but she’s fucking hot. An incredibly attractive lady. Very probably the best female comic ever. In my opinion.
Oh wow. Helen. Now I’m friends with Helen so I’m a little biased perhaps but I’m only friends with her because she’s so damn good. SO. DAMN. GOOD. She is possibly the most charming lady in comedy at the moment. Very smart. Very endearing. Just an all-round lovely girl. She writes shows about space travel and robots and other utterly wonderful stuff more people should write shows about. She’s rather new to me. I only first came across her last year. She is going places though! She was on Radio 4 last year! Isn’t that amazing! My friend was on Radio 4. Yeah. That’s right I’m going to repeatedly mention how amazing my friends are. It makes me look better. Shut up. Luckily I don’t have to kill any babies to see her. I already have. A few times. I’m seeing her show at Edinburgh. I’m so lucky. She is also highly attractive.
Khorsandi I’ve known about for a few years. She’s very clever and I don’t think she’s ever done a bad thing on stage. She’s just utterly marvellous. I think possibly the best British comedienne. She has a fantastic stage presence almost like a supply teacher you’re not going to take the piss with because she’s just delightful. She has a personal touch that’s just endearing. She’s on Radio 4 a lot so look her up! She won’t be hard to find. She’ll be worth it though. I’d kill maybe 18 babies to see her live. 9 ugly babies and 9 cute babies. Again another pretty lady.
Another American comedienne that gets it right. Every damn time. I think I’d kill maybe 24 ugly babies to see her live. She’s very witty and very weird. I love weird. She seems to pull a non-aggressive sexiness that’s nice. Some sexy comediennes just fucking through it at you and you end up crying secretly into your laughter because you’re scared their breasts are just going to swallow you whole. WAIT WHAT! She’s got a wonderful awkwardness I wish I could emulate.
Awwww! She’s just the best girl ever. Not the funniest. That’s okay though. You don’t have to laugh you’re too busy smiling. Not to say she isn’t funny. She’s hilarious in the most wonderful ways. But the greatest thing about Sarah is whatever amount of time you spend with her you’ll end up smiling twice as much as you’d imagine is possible. Now. That doesn’t immediately make sense. I can’t explain it any better than that. Another thing about Sarah is she inspires laughs. I think. Bad comics become good comics around her. Good comics become great comics. Great comics become Janeane Garofalos. I see her live all the time so we save some babies but if I hadn’t seen her live it’d be an infanticide genocide. She really is utterly amazing. Oh and hot. Not just hot though simultaneously hot and pretty.
So, there you have it. My favourite funny ladies. I tried to make it more about their minds and less about their boobs but I think boob comments did sneak in. Which I feel terribly guilty about. Don’t just go to Google images and put all the names in one by one. That would be bad. Go to YouTube or go to their respective websites. Or more importantly go see them live and buy them a drink afterwards. If you do; tell Helen Keen and Sarah Bennetto I said hi.
I think I’m done for the night. I might edit in links, pictures, videos, gig recommendations and stuff tomorrow or next day. Tonight however it is 3am and I am going to bed.